Want to play Poke the Tiger? Let’s toy with annoyance, anger, and irritation.
We can start by saying straight up…most of us are pretty sure anger is bad. Even when it feels good or we think it’s necessary, like for example when we’re talking to the cable company or hollering at some deserving elected official, there’s still often an uneasy background guilt for having lost our temper.
Anger is generally accepted to indicate lack of control, flawed character, and lack of personal evolution.
Which is why people have been trying to gain the upper hand over anger since we lived in caves. We’ve tried to understand it, find the cause, meditate, medicate, allow and eliminate it.
’Course we’re the same silly humans that think we can control circumstances and that if we just play things right, bad situations won’t ever happen and all will be well. And naturally any resulting happiness will be all down to our good moves and choices.
Oh the power! Yay us!
And then existence giggles and says, “Aw honey, have some Listeria with that kale, a little nail for that tire, a layoff, a hole in that wallet pocket.”
Existence is very clear who the real boss is.
It ain’t us.
Which of course pisses us off.
So much for having control over anger.
What does become very clear if we’re paying attention (which is almost never), is that all anger, all irritation, is a result of being forced to see that we’re powerless.
Any circumstance or person, every circumstance or person, that causes us to see our powerlessness is going to make us angry.
We think, “I am the boss of my life. I’ll get up out of this chair without smashing my knee, having a heart attack, stubbing my toe. I’ll drive in my own lane, say no to the extra serving of food, get the flu shot, go to bed early, be nice to my boss. All will be well. I will be master of my world.”
And then some fool swerves into our lane, we lie awake for hours, get sick anyway. Dinner reservations vanish, the kids ignore us, the wrong political candidate wins, the parking attendant scratches the car, the dog barks, bites or pees or maybe all three at once, family treats us like idiots, spouses cheat, and… etc etc etc.
We are powerless all the time.
Which means there’s no lack of occasions to get a good irritation on.
Of course generally we go on happily pretending we’re in charge anyway. That pretense only carries us so far though, because life continually puts our impotence right in our faces regularly. It can’t be pretended away.
We hate that. It makes us mad.
So the question becomes, what would the same irking situations in our lives be like if it was possible to see… “Oh, this is one of those situations where I’m forced to see my powerlessness?”
We might notice that as soon as we acknowledge our lack of control, those very same situations became far less infuriating.
That’s because resisting the truth of our lack of power actually makes us angrier, and acknowledging it is calming.
This is different from suggesting, “Accept the situation,” although life might well be easier if that were more possible. But acceptance is not always easy, and frankly in some situations we don’t even want to try.
Instead we could simply notice that we are powerless in those situations, that life is exerting its will not ours, and then sit back and watch what happens.
Things might shift; anger might relax. Even with the cable company. Just by noticing our lack of authority and the fear of that lack.
Besides, when we’re not the boss, then life is running the show, which means we don’t have to. Whatever happens is no longer our fault. Then there’s no need for self punishment when things don’t go the way it seems they should.
When the smoothness of existence no longer depends on little ol’ us, we become far less important.
That can be a huge relief.
And sure, people can still try to have control. But when it’s seen how much frustration, failure, shame and guilt comes along with that attempt, well who would want that?
So… powerless? Yes please. Lack of control or significance? Ahh.
We can let existence do its thing, go for the ride, enjoy the vacation.
Maybe even pet that big ol’ kitty instead of poking it.
